The deadly suicide bomber virus kills 11 In Pakistan, but who cares about dead brown people anyway? Stocks and shares tumble on world markets bankers laugh and rub their hands with Billy in the UK flood crisis of liberates international news coverage and plenty people get really wet. Welcome to the fucking news. I'm tough but fair. Here are tonight's headlines. Religious leaders expressed their concerns tonight that the deadly suicide bomber virus kill anyone may soon mutate and cross the faith species barrier. The warnings come as 11 people are killed in Pakistan by a bomber infected with a kill anyone virus. Pope Benedict Netsy the first he did not say anything like this at an imaginary Vatican Press Conference. It's all very well for brown people with mumbo jumbo who do do is to blow each other up and kill people in the name of that imaginary medieval voodoo gods. But if this deadly state of mind crosses the fate species barrier, white middle class people may start exploding all over the world. There was a time when we envied people with a faith so strong, they were prepared to end their lives for God. But now we have lots of money and investments around the world. We don't want them to die. We want them to shop and God wants them to shop as well. I know because he told me so last night he said Pope Benedict the first take this message to remind flock That's the voice of God. He speaks to me you know, take this message to mind flog them all make money and spend it at the shops he told me and he added on 11th commandment Thou shalt shop to the list of things you must do for it is good to shop and make us money for the Lord who needed money for his great works like well, you know, look, he just needs the fucking money. Okay, don't question me. I'm his right hand, man. And if I tell you to shop your fucking shop, now, join with me in the new Lord's Prayer. Our Father who aren't into shopping, hallowed be thy mall, by credit card at 69% APR on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this debt, our enormous debt. And forgive us nothing as reefer give no one who owes us something and lead us not into inflation and deliver us the goods are dying is the lending the funding and the story forever and ever, blah, blah, blah. The Pakistan suicide bomb went off close to the Red Mosque in Islamabad, where President and elected military dictatorship propped up by the Bush regime, Musharraf recently crushed it protest by radical terrorists. These non violent radicals were terrorizing the entire country by occupying the mosque and sitting about so of course they had to be killed. Here's the situation now, a violent ex army general who killed his way to power and is propped up by support by the Bush Hunter is losing his grip on power and control of the country's nuclear arsenal. While we're being told Iran is a very scary country that wants nuclear weapons, Pakistan actually has them and fucking shedloads of them, America sold them to them. And it's two steps away from violent revolution and radical Muslim rule. Way to go American foreign policy, I can see how trillions of dollars you spent on the millions of people you killed have assured your national security national security. Oh, yes, Musharraf. Let's be friends with him. He's a murdering fascist tyrant with no popular support that will make us look good, nice tribe. In a totally unrelated story. Stocks and shares tumbled in markets around the world amid fears that the population of America was tapped out and couldn't be lent any more money. The only people who lost money were of course mugs, suckers and marks. The banks and markets who charge commission and interest whether your shares go up or down, had a ball and would like you all to keep giving them your money. A spokesperson for the evil bankers who lend to his old with an iron fist did not make the following imaginary statement. We the banks and markets are just like casinos, we exist to take your money from you. That's why we broke the link between commodities and currencies. Remember when paper money could be exchanged for silver or gold? Will now a dollars worth fuck all Yente nada, nothing unless we say so imagine aliens coming to earth to do business and you'll get an idea of the true value of what you laughingly call money.

Hello, I am an alien from outer space. How shall we buy and sell things to each other? Hello,

I'm an earth person. I'll give you a piece of paper and you give us all your stuff. Ha. You must be joking. Your paper is worthless. We only deal in real things of real value, precious metals, minerals, things of substance pictures of Britney Spears before she got fat. What gives $1 value is the labor of you will invest to get one. So if you go to the call center supermarket, we can't feel that put your back into it you landless slave peasant, we need you to spend your life making us profit, so get ready to live and die in debt. In the UK, heavy rain and floods have dominated the news for a week. During this period many communities families and individuals suffered the loss of their homes, possessions and some even their lives. More worrying for those not recovering in Gloucestershire, up to non Tamsin Tewksbury is the dangerous shortage of camera crews. With so many Belgian rivers, flooded kitchens and waterlogged fields to fill. The plight of many families has gone unreported. One mother of two did not give this exclusive interview to fkn news.

It's terrible. We've been without media coverage for days now, at the start of it, there were camera crews everywhere. No, I have to walk half a mile just to appear in the background of someone else's interview. It's disgusting. The government should be doing something about this.

We asked nobody from the imaginary government what was being done to increase the coverage of misery and devastation caused by limited news coverage. Here's what they had to say. The emergency services are doing a great job under different circumstances. The courage and fortitude showed by what people we see on our televisions is inspirational. The government is thankful for the forces of nature for liberating international news coverage for such a sustained period of time. Our illegal fake war on terror is still killing many innocent men, women and children. Anything which distracts the population from not so fucking good thing. We are doubling our investment in Canberra crews for trivial news events. So our fascist wars and planet rate can go unreported as much as possible. Thanks. And now the weather. The planets fucked. It's your fault and it's getting worse. Have a nice weekend.


Transcribed by https://otter.ai