Hello brainwashed landless peasantry. Welcome to the fucking news. I'm fat, bald and ugly. Here are tonight's top story. Rosie O'Donnell must die for crimes against tyranny says US media. Climate change may kill all life on Earth unless we pay more taxes. Free British sailors ready to kill for the queen one more time. That evening. Here are the headlines. American media companies have embarked on a rabid frenzy of character assassination on Rosie O'Donnell controversial co host of the ABC show view after she spoke her mind as legitimate questions about 911 and building seven that the shake carry confession to all evil. I've dash g as a result, Rosie O'Donnell is to be executed sometime later this year in a freak accident explained away as bizarre coincidence which will not be linked to the CIA. No, sir. A spokesman for the foreign media corporations that feed shit to the American people didn't say how dare one of our own super rich employees mouth these filthy legitimate questions. I'm sure all of America all decent Americans, all decent patriotic Americans, all decent, patriotic God fearing Americans will join with me in sharing my outrage, our outrage at car use of the right to freedom of speech, especially once we finish destroying her public and private life on television for the rest of time. Of course, we support her right to freedom of speech, but we will still be plotting her untimely death taking her off the air and continuing an incessant barrage of counter propaganda. across the USA evil corrupt lying employees of the mainstream media claimed Rosie O'Donnell was in fact lesbian witch and crazy and a traitor and not to be trusted. Now, many of you may be confused as to why in a country so proud of its freedom of speech. People are told to shut up when they uses faxes, you're not free. So go back to work, watch television and shut the fuck up. Okay, or it'll be your breaks that get adjusted in the morning. Know what I'm saying? It's just like the movies and climate change now. The latest UN report on Earth's changing climate paints a stark picture of the future. The report released after last minute changes to its content by influential governments makes the following claims in its conclusion, everyone on earth will die unless you pay more tax. sea levels will rise a mile draining entire continents. Greenhouse gases will poison the earth and choke us all. The new ice age will plunge the Earth into darkness and chaos. Underwater, methane will erupt and explode burning us all alive in our beds, deserts will spread faster than galloping horses turning golden fields of corn into desolate wilderness. aeroplanes will fall from the sky agriculture will fail. Starvation will kill billions and erase the planet like aliens called triffids will turn our atmosphere into chlorine gas enslave humanity and suck your brains out unless you pay more taxes. Yes, folks, the only way to avoid certain death and the extinction of our species is to give the government more money. So let's have a big cheer for science and our world leaders as we dig into our pockets that save the world. After all, it's our fault. So it's only right we should pay. We should pay more for our holidays more for our cars more for our heating. We should recycle all the useless fucking ship excess packaging supermarkets make for us. We should suffer for the billions made by big business deforesting the planet and entering the seas of fish we should pay for our 21st century lifestyles. With our lives cough up now in the UK, the 15 sailors held hostage in Iran had been released and flown home to be reunited with their families. At a press conference held today. They didn't say it was torture. We were tortured and coerced. None of us wanted to join the armed forces and die for the queen. But we had no choice. We were kept isolated in lower middle class houses on sprawling estates without any prospect of be better off than our neighbors. I only agreed to kill or die for the queen so I could go windsurfing and have a better car than the people I went to school with. Now I'm imprisoned in this uniform. People only see me as a servant of the Queen. But they told us if we didn't sign up to die for a majesty, we'd have to live on civvy street and we'd be kept in the dark and fed ship. In exchange for being complicit Nancy, warlike fuckers were given big guns and uniforms, which makes us feel big and important. Then we didn't mind the form of dying for some wrinkled old Nazi hag back in Britain. If I had to Do it again. I wouldn't change anything because basically I'm a stupid ignorant asshole who doesn't see the harm in serving the aristocracy and killing people for the greater good of the Empire. Zeke. I mean, your majesty, hail bags and now the weather the planet is gonna kill you. It'll be slow and painful, but you deserve it. Have a nice weekend.


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