America launches massive air assault in Iraq. insurgents are really impressed. Slobodan Milosevic dies of boredom at The Hague. officials confirm he will be buried in the ground. In the UK. Tony Blair denies cash for peerage deals. You have to kiss his as his well. drug trial goes dramatically wrong. She cure for cancer discovered by mistake. Good evening. I'm vaguely moist. Here are tonight's headlines. The biggest Air Assault since the start of the war in Iraq has been launched by America. Hundreds of helicopters and assault vehicles 1000s of heavy armed camouflage troops, Iraqi and American troops have surrounded the northern town of Samara and will be kicking down doors, arresting anyone they see shooting anything that moves and kicking as a White House source didn't see yesterday. In insurgents haven't said, we're really impressed with the Americans, they put on a really good show flying about abseil into the ground shouting, but it's all good stuff. Of course, since we're not wearing uniforms, and aren't stupid enough to fight when we're outnumbered or outgunned, they're unlikely to catch many of us. At the same time, America has reaffirmed its commitment to preemptive strikes as part of its national security policy, even though no weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq at all, whatsoever. Neither none zip. President Bush didn't say nothing will protect American lives more than bomber fIying and killing people in faraway countries, fostering a culture of hatred and radicalism abroad and allowing us to strip our citizens have the right to freedom and privacy at home Z Kyle. I mean, God bless the fatherland. I mean, America, Slobodan Milosevic, former leader of Serbia, has died in his cell while on trial at The Hague war crimes tribunal in Holland. Officials of the UN post mortem team didn't say the cause of death was born. Apparently after six years of listening to the complex prosecution case against Slobodan Milosevic was literally bored to death. A spokesman for the UN at The Hague didn't say there was no proof he was poisoned, nor can we prove he committed war crimes. So it's just as well he died before this long and expensive trial came to an embarrassing end for the international community. Sources inside Serbia, Kosovo and Montenegro have called for Mr. Milosevic to be buried in the ground, and for his family to be allowed to pose and to attend the traditional Serbian funeral. There they can be blindfolded, led away into the woods and shoved to the back of the head. In a related story, Saddam Hussein has begun giving evidence at his trial in Iran. He says, are you all mad? America paid me to do this stuff. Britain was building me a super gun. The Germans sold me the nerve gas. You were all buying my oil is slapping me on the back while I murdered my own people and waged war on the ayatollahs in Iran. And confused, isn't that what you want me to do? That's what the CIA said when they put me in power. Back in the 60s. They organized a coup to overthrow the corrupt constitutional monarchy put in place by the British after the Second World War, who also did away with Kurdistan invented to aid and handed Palestine over to the Israelis. In the UK, Tony Blair says the 14 million pounds in loans to the Labour Party from big business and wealthy individuals do not mean you can buy policies or a seat in the house of lords. Since the Norman invasion of 1066, Britain has been ruled by the monarchy and their Lords of the Realm. Today, the House of Lords is still a place where unelected rich people can sleep off a big lunch and a bottle of wine before passing laws designed to fuck the peasants over for a buck. Plans to abolish hereditary peerage where Tory boys inherit their dad's seat in the Lord's have been shelved by the Labour government. Instead, new loads will be appointed using the age old democratic process of here's a million quid Can I join the government? A drug trial to test cancer treatment has gone horribly wrong. Didn't say a spokesman for the drug company involved. The drug being tested was supposed to be an expensive lifelong treatment for cancer. One which prevents the death of the patient that leaves them completely reliant upon the expensive drug, forcing their insurance company or the health service to pay through the nose for as long as possible. In on her rific turn of events, the six young men who volunteered for the experiment were all completely cured and will require no more medical treatment at all. This is a disaster didn't say scientists working on the project. Our business could be devastated By the good health of people in general, but to create a cure for cancer is tragic. I can only apologize to our shareholders for the incompetence and poor judgment of our scientists in this matter. And now, the weather. New figures released by climate scientists show that the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere is the highest it's been for over a million years, possibly 30 million years. Professors that David King said new data highlights the importance of taking urgent action to limit carbon emissions. Mankind is changing the climate. Have a nice weekend.


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