Unknown Speaker  00:17
moron celebrates endless debt and tyranny to an evil wealthy elites. McCain doesn't call Obama a nigger Obama doesn't call McCain a child killer. In the UK happiness becomes government policy smiling now compulsory. Allo bangers gifts. Welcome to the fucking news. I'm in love for the German films doc. Here are the headlines tonight. Global celebrations are broken out globally. In the wake of the final shills solution to the global crisis in the banking industry. I mean, the banking industry. I'm joined in the studio tonight by some of the world's least known and unimportant shills, whose relevance influence and intimate knowledge of the powerful elites motives and actions is almost non existent. First of all, from the University of owing us money, old professor dusty intellect of the Department of Fiscal rule and Empire, Professor dusty governments all around the world poured hundreds of billions of taxpayers money into the financial system in freefall, saving us all from having to rethink what we're up to on planet Earth. In the UK, America, Germany, Japan, even in China, the economic slavery of billions of people was insured for many years to come. Would you please mumble something plausibly academic about these events and get the children at home. I mean, our viewers, some kind of sense that someone much smarter than them understands the whole thing. And it's much more complicated than simple daylight robbery.

Unknown Speaker  01:45
Yes, yes. I'm in love. You see if they don't have any idea what an old thought like me is talking about and it's obvious to an escaped mental patient. What a stitch up this whole fake engineered economic theater is. Many of

Unknown Speaker  02:01
the morons viewers at home would believe that they will be rescued by these measures. I tell you, it's priceless. It really is. Thank you, Professor are now from Wall Street in New York, a low brain employee of a scummy investment house leather some pitch about the mood of the market investor confidence and political maneuvering. Hello oblong data. Hello oblong data I wonder could you paint a picture of the averted crisis as one of natural forces poor judgment over enthusiasm and other apologists does statements may be leading the poorly educated masses with a sense that if only there was one institution, or one law, one bank, or One Ring to rule them all, then we would all live happily ever after? In a sumptuous world and easy credit, material possessions and low interest rates supported by the exploitation of others and the destruction of our one and only home in the universe. Suddenly, I'm in love. This is all true and more. Besides, we need to be sure in the future that fewer and fewer people have any influence or power over the banking sector. I mean, the banking sector, my experience being employed to gamble other people's money makes me the ideal person despite this patient, so don't bother looking into the structures of world finance yourself. Thank you oblong data. Well as our expert shells shuffled back to suck the cock of the market. Let's just reflect on what a few weeks it's been leading up to these joyous celebrations. Who would have thought in so short a space such a large swathe of human population of our wood or indeed could be sold into debt slavery by their own leaders to protect a bunch of criminal money lending scum with the morals of maggots and the intellectual vision of lizards. And a related story the race to succeed Bush as president of America has not turned nasty at all, with neither candidate lowering themselves to acrimonious name calling or cheap slander. campaign managers on both teams have gone out of their way to only vaguely hint at their hatred and personal disgust for the other. However, a recent survey or burned out jaded television viewers suggests this strategy may backfire on one or both of the candidates as the day of the poll draws closer, as many of the people questions barely understand the issues or have any grasp on post industrial hegemonic didn't give a shit about who had more foreign policy experience and would be much more engaged in the democratic process. If the candidates called each other combs and threw bricks at each other. We asked Barack Obama and John McCain for their thoughts.

Unknown Speaker  04:40
It's true. I had never called Obama a terrorist nigga. I never said he was a gay coke snorting been banned that none of my team have ever insinuated that his ancestors are Gulch shagging monkey people closer to swinging from the trees than running America. And I think we should keep it that way. For the good of our theatrical I mean, democratic process.

Unknown Speaker  05:13
But Kane has never been referred to as a Nazi child torturing serial rapist by me. You've never heard me say he sucked so much George Bush's dick. The President doesn't have to wash it. No. My campaign has steered away from describing John McCain and his family. As smug fascist elites, his right wing cuts with shit for brains and poison in their hearts, not me. Not now, not ever. In the UK happiness has been made compulsory after recent studies showed it could be measured. Your happiness will now be measured by CCTV cameras using technology developed by aliens and sold to our shadowy puppet masters in exchange for hardwood from the arts rain forests. Here's the new Minister of Happiness for the UK. Joining me from the comedy paradise that is Britain saucy seaside and other Peter show, the lovely lady herself to cheer us all up and put a smile on your face. It's Kiss Me, Kate.

Unknown Speaker  06:17
Hello. Hello, I'm in love.

Unknown Speaker  06:20
Minister, a lot of people will be asking how you can measure happiness. It isn't. It's something so personal and ethereal that it varies uniquely from individual to individual.

Unknown Speaker  06:29
Oh, that may will be. But I think the important thing to bear in mind here is that taxes can now be raised on the basis of whether or not someone's actually happy. And that can only be a good thing for the people of Britain as they struggle through their dreary workaday lives as economic cattle. For the few landowning average bankers that rule over the moment with nationalism and mumbo jumbo.

Unknown Speaker  06:53
Yes, but how do you propose to bring these changes about Surely you don't expect people to become incredibly happy overnight, just because the government says so.

Unknown Speaker  07:03
No, indeed, happiness will be phased in over an appropriate timescale. Students and immigrants will have to be happy straight away, because they have so much more to be happy about. But old people and lonely teenagers will be given time to adapt to the changes. Married couples will combine that happiness thresholds and less will be expected of them. Children won't be tested until they're 13. But as responsible citizens, we expect them to be happy by the time they're 18 and old enough to pay a fine I mean, vote.

Unknown Speaker  07:35
Thank you kiss me and now the weather. Hard so poorly educated economic slaves not expected to ask too many questions by the weekend. Real people of power and influence will never be interviewed or scrutinized in any way for their part in fucking you over for a buck with little chance of change

Unknown Speaker  07:53
this side of nuclear war. Have a nice weekend.


Transcribed by https://otter.ai