International stories of fake terror strike fear into the hearts of sheep like masses commercial stories of no news interest possibly a movie a new car or other product celebrity distraction scandal knickers titties gusset drink drugs and rehab gossip criminal business news, stocks down shares laughing all the way to the bank. And finally heartwarming comical animal or royal propaganda. Hello sleepwalking masses. Welcome to the fucking years I'm here to stay.

Here are tonight's headlines.

Scary Story of international significance, reinforcing nationalism, economic and racial prejudice possibly a threat to you or your family safety, economic security or lifestyle blaming brown people or imaginary terrorists giving you plausible sounding reasons to continue supporting your evil murdering government and its fake economy mindfuck devoid of historical perspective or independent commentary, lacking in detail, failing to point out the complicity of those in power, who will soon be espousing a solution based upon more violence, more debt, more killing and more stupidity. President Bush did not say any of this at a recent imaginary press conference about the troop surge in Iraq, Middle East peace talks democracy in Pakistan and the Iranian nuclear ambitions. See, surge of troops in Iraq has worked by more violence has led to less violence. It's been the bloodiest year yet for American casualties. But we have seen a 50% less death than on the same day last year. As you can see, these figures prove I was right to send more people to their death, preventing deaths from increasing. Condi Rice will soon be telling the Arabs what the Israelis want in forthcoming peace talks. And I'm sure since nobody else has nuclear weapons in the Middle East, except us and Israelis. But that will be what happens. The evil military dictator general pervert new shower will soon take off his uniform and become simply the evil unelected naked pervert press, pervert Musharraf. And with growing consensus in the West, all my sanctions against Iran, we can look forward to bombing them in the near future. I love my job, my wife, my country, I'm sure you all do too. And that's why it's important that we keep on killing people and stealing the planet's resources for our own selfish needs. May the only one true god pass his magical blessing on all patriotic Americans and help us slaughter and enslave the other less human inhabitants of this planet. Which God surely meant for us alone. And the Israelis to plunder despoil Andrew, you can all go back to sleep now. nonrelated US banks are urging us to go to the shops and spend money if you don't have any money, borrow some it'll be fine. Our economy is built on debt. Why the very banknotes that pass US currency are in fact, debt ridden usury notes foisted onto us by private banks who've taken over your country. The last thing we need are people with precious metals as money not getting into debt. That's why we invented inflation and interest, magical economic events that keep you in debt and slavery and make us banks, your masters and rulers of the world. Now fuck off and go shopping like we said, or will raise interest rates. Celebrities have sex take drugs and their lives are more interesting than yours. So watch this item about them. And don't think too hard about why your mind is full of irrelevant rubbish. David Beckham, Brad Pitt, Britney Spears, just fill your mind with this garbage and have another beer slash milkshake. Remember, your children are never too young to have their minds stupefied by this utterly pointless garbage Now fuck off to the shops like the bank said and buy some glossy magazine full of knickers shots of nobody important while we destroy the planet, Jennifer Aniston, Tom Cruise, Paris Hilton. In a totally related story, Saudi Arabia and its ruling elite the unelected tyrannical royal family of Saudi had defended the judicial decision to send a 19 year old rape victim to jail and give her 200 lashes

across her naked buttocks in public for

only joking about that last bit. The girl was subjected to gang rape by up to seven men but the judge sentenced her to jail and 200 lashes for being in public without a relative. It's nice to know our friends in the war against terror. share our values peace, freedom, misogyny. Wait a minute, Shouldn't that be democracy? No. Oh, okay. Our boys are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan to defend freedom and democracy in Saudi Arabia. In Pakistan, and China, these countries are all violent dictatorships whose people have no human rights at all. And we're helping the tyrannical regime stay

in power. What's that?

There's money in it. Oh, why didn't you say business news now if there's money in it, fuck morality, profit before all else. That's why we invest in China, the biggest dictatorship on Earth. Stalin, Hitler Pol Pot, all the evil dictators of history pale into insignificance compared to the economic opportunity in the Far East. Invest now before the pain of millions puts you off. In the UK Gordon Brown's government has been rocked by the loss of two computer discs containing the details of 25 million economic slaves, 10 million adults and 15 million children who receive child benefit and working families tax credit. In his imaginary statement to the House of Commons, Gordon Brown did not say

we are not embarrassed at all that we allow business to pay people so little that we have to top up their wages so that children don't starve. Although, after all, it's only right and fitting that those who profit from the exploitation of the people of this land should keep as much of it as possible of the slaves. I mean, landless peasant Fox, I mean, the deck has shed voters should get as little as possible, just enough to stay alive and locked, while big business makes billions and profits. The loss of these discs with details of our subsidy for slave labor should be portrayed as our major security risks to the slaves not as evidence of our complicity in fucking the population over for our buck. So Let's all make suitably concerned noises about computer fraud after ignored the bigger story of 25 million economic slaves living on state benefits propping up capitalism.

Finally, the Queen and Prince Philip have been married 60 years a whale has died after being burned in a river deep up the Amazon. Something about pandas and a heartwarming story of a lust pole vaulting trophy turning up in a junk shop. Oh, there that should take your mind off anything troubling before the adverts a chat show hosted by a quirky gay guy and later a movie about righteous white people killing evil brown people go by country go. Thanks. And now the weather. The planet will be here long after we're all dead. Climate change is perfectly natural and Beatles will soon rule the world. Have a nice weekend.


Transcribed by https://otter.ai